Ennui

I'm curiously bored right now. I've got work I ought to be doing, I suppose…yet there's a feeling of general nothingness. I can't bear to be with people right now—my roommate and our friends are actively pissing me off. Despite this, I'm lonely.

I know I've been here before, this is such a familiar state of mind to me. The thing is, I never remember how to escape it.

I want something stressful, something sudden, something concrete that I can fix without anything esoteric or theoretical. I want a clear set of tasks that end in happiness and smiles.

I think.

Or maybe I need an in-depth, considered, and fanciful work to create.

Or an old friend to talk to?

Or to be left alone?

I don't know, and that's what bothers me.

I see myself snapping at people I care about, picking and scratching with my words. I see it split seconds after I've done it….

I see myself falsely cheerful around those who I, for whatever reason, deem to be worthy of the façade.

I see the looks, the avoidance, the tension that others are throwing at me.

I see the stacks of food fluctuating—cravings, binges, repulsion.

I see anxiety, worry, fear.

I see anger, frustration, volatility.

I see shaking, failing coordination, and crushing.

Throwing, hitting, kicking.

I see the inevitable regret…and I see when it hides, allowing my to destroy…and I see when it returns, allowing me to wallow.

I want to lose this part of me.